Make New Friends but Keep the Old

Y'know, decimal points are very small things.  As are commas.  I mean, they're teeny.  Easy to overlook.  But they're so darned crucial.  Especially when it comes to numbers and stuff.  Which is my job, pretty much.  In a nutshell.  Numbers and stuff.

Doesn't make a lot of sense.  You'd think they'd be all sparkly or flashy or covered with rhinestones.  I mean, hey, it may be a teeny tiny little dot but it still makes the difference between, oh, say......ten thousand dollars and ONE MILLYUN DOLLARS.  And also, perhaps, the difference between me keeping my job and me being a HOMELESS Crazy Cat Lady.  You know, a little flair would not be out of place.  I'm JUST SAYIN'!

So you can understand my concern the other day when my vision started getting all blurry and the teeny tiny commas and teeny tiny decimals started wavering before my eyes, almost as if they were doing the hokey pokey (WITH YOUR MOM!).

But luckily, because I am very smart and ALWAYS well prepared, I keep a spare pair (rhyming!) in my purse (which I like on the desk!) just for occasions like these.  So I scurry off to the ladies room to swap out the old and replace with the new. 

As I'm switching out the right lens, another company employee (whom I shall call Lucy) wanders in.  We don't work together but we both reside somewhere on the Crazy Cat Lady spectrum.  (She is further along than me though.  MUCH).  So we have a bit of a bond.  Don’t judge.

She asked me about my current cat situation.  As previously mentioned, I have four cats.  A neurotic, kleptomaniacal Primary Cat, - a Norweigan Forest Cat named Gracie.  Then I have Amy, the Bonus Cat, who is equally neurotic but with 75 percent less thievery.  And then the two recently acquired brother cats, Maine Coons named Reuben and Mason.  They serve as my Emergency Backup Cats. 

Gracie hates Reuben and Mason.  A LOT.  There is much growling and spitting.  Gracie has anger.  In bulk.

So the aforementioned Lucy, who had previously suggested putting Gracie on Prozak (see?  I told you!  MUCH further along the Crazy Cat Lady spectrum) asked how things were going.  I told her Emo Cat was still emo but I wasn't quite ready to send her to the kitty therapist (because I am NORMAL!)

So conversation over, I return to my desk and try to get back to work.  Seems my vision is only 50 percent improved.  My right eye is fine but my left eye is still blurry.  I figure I just need to let the lens settle on my eyeball.  So I kinda scrunch and wiggle and stretch my face in all directions in an effort to get the durned thing to just SIT STILL DAMNIT....

....and right about then is when Cute IT Guy wanders by.  Smooth, Marie.....real smooth.

Eventually, I decide the lens much be defective so I call 1800Contacts to register a complaint.

Me:  'ELLO!  I would like to register a complaint!  I wish to complain about this contact lens what I purchased not half a year ago from this very boutique….

No wait.  That's not what I said.  Sorry, my bad yo.

I actually had a very pleasant interchange with the very pleasant 1800Contacts lady who I have no complaints about whatsoever because she was very helpful and agreed to send me a replacement contact and thank you 1800Contacts, I love you very much and wish to have your babies.

So I get off the phone and feeling very smug I skip on over to visit with a few of my coworkers to tell them my story.  (YES, skipped!  Shut up)

Coworker number one we shall call Dot.  And coworker number two will be Minnie.  (Eventually y'all will notice the theme behind my naming.....a prize to the first one who gets it!)

(A quick aside to introduce Coworker number one:  Dot is snarky and funny and hysterical and I love her to death.  She very quickly became one of my bffs.  She's also got a vicious sense of humor.  She will CUT you, man!)

I tell them about the blurry vision and the new lens and the continued blurriness and the epiphany and the aggrieved call to 1800Contacts and the eventual satisfactory resolution and they look at me all funny and Dot says, "Maybe you just put it in backwards, dork."

"I didn't think you could do that!"

"Yuh-HUH!", Dot nods emphatically.

So I take it out, smack it up, flip it, rub it down OH NO!

Wait.  Let me start over.

I take it out, flip it around, TRY to pop it back in.  But it won't go.   So I give up and start to put it back in the way it was but then I stop and say, "Wait, why bother even putting it in, I can't see out of it anyway?"

And Dot says, "Well, can you see better with it out than you can with it in?"

So I close my right eye and peer around the room with my left eye (HI Cute IT Guy!) and sure enough, my vision is relatively clear.

So....let's listen to a moment for the thoughts running through my mind:  "Huh....that's odd......I see fine out of this eye....I've been wearing contacts all these years when I didn't need to?  Damned eye doctor, selling me vision correction for two eyes when I only needed it for one, must have been in cahoots with the contact lens companies, trying to sell me extra contact lenses when I have PERFECT vision in my left eye and only my right eye needs correction, my doctor owes me 50 percent FOR LIFE, shyster, hey wait...."

"HEY!"  (This was outloud.  And LOUD)

My inner voice quieted, my outer voice quieted.  I look at the contact lens resting on the index finger of my left hand, the useless lens I was about to throw out. 

I slowly transfer that contact lens to my right index finger and reach up to my left eye with my left index finger.....

.....and remove the original lens.

Yep.  Marie = DORK.  Seems that when Lucy came into the bathroom, I got all distracted (SHINY!) talking to her and put the new left lens in ON TOP of the old left lens.  Talk about double vision.

But hey, at least I didn't bump into any walls this time.



Jessica said...
October 13, 2010 at 11:29 PM

Oh my gosh. You are hysterical! This made my evening. Thank you :)

Hannah said...
October 15, 2010 at 2:10 PM

Haaaaaaaa. Hokey Pokey with your mom! LOVE YOU.

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