Don't you Know I Love you 'till it Hurts me, Baby?

I love Girl's Night Out.  Except usually?  Stuff happens.  Usually involving me.  Making a fool of myself.  Usually.

In no particular order, I have:

  • Been pulled over for drunk driving when I had not had a DROP to drink.  Instead I was lost and went the wrong way down a one way street.  The officer had me doing field sobriety tests.  I kept trying to tell him to just Breathalyze me and send me on my way but no dice.  At one point he stumbled over his words and I said, "Are you sure YOU'RE not the one who needs a sobriety test?"  Somehow, I managed to not get arrested.
  • Attempted to place a 911 operator on hold after reporting a domestic disturbance.  Hey!  The report had been placed, patrol cars were on their way, my assistance was no longer needed and I had a cute Bendy Boy calling on my other line!  Admit it, you woulda done the same!
  • Engaged in a call and response with Lola Granola, one of my BFFs.  She would shout, across a crowded bar, "TITTIES!" and I would respond with "Leave my titties alone!"  I could explain why but I'll save it for another time. Suffice to say that this is the same night I met the Bendy Boy referenced above
  • Danced around Dave and Busters wearing a Chinese take out container as a hat (A CLEAN Chinese take out container).  This was AFTER spiking every Diet Coke I ordered from my water bottle full of vodka but BEFORE deciding to liberate a bottle of ketchup from the table for at-home use.

  • Committed multiple acts of Drunk Shopping (and once, Drunk ATM-ing) following consumption of the beer sampler platter at Duclaw.  I never did wear those boots…..or use the pink glitter handbag.
  • Attempted, along with my friend Barbie, to pick up twin Bendy Boy Bartenders. 
  • Allowed myself to be convinced to remove my blouse and dance around Bennigans wearing just my camisole.
  • Offered crayons to a table full of the ugliest bachelors ever.  Including "Wheelie".  Who was in a wheelchair.  Now, let me add, I did not name him that!  Barbie came up with that one.  At the end of the night, we felt kinda bad for Wheelie because all of his friends left him and he and his wheelchair were all alone in the parking lot.  Poor Wheelie.
  • Prearranged (MONTHS IN ADVANCE) a night out where the main activity involved driving around the streets of Federal Hill in search of the current object of my desire.  His name was Chad.  We had a carful of five, plus several more on the phone.  We drove around shouting "CHAAAAAAAAD!" out the windows. In the rain.  We didn't find him.  Amazingly enough, the very next week, when I wasn't even looking for him, we ran into him.  We exchanged phone numbers.  He called me, said he wanted to see me.  Then stood me up.  Then texted a week later saying "Would like sex".  So yeah….he turned out to be a tool.
  • Been involved in my own Happy Divorce! party.  Which involved puff paints, a tote bag and a persuasive argument to join the Lesbian Party.  However, as much as I did enjoy having whipped cream licked off my finger, I eventually decided to stick with Team Bendy Boy. (Yeah, see that picture there?  I had to crop off the bottom of it because the aforementioned lickee of the whipped cream put her phone number on it.....didn't think she'd appreciate it being displayed all over this small little corner of teh interwebs.

  • Managed to somehow pop the clasp of my bra during dinner.  After trying and failing to get it to reclasp, I decided the best thing to do would be to just remove it.  Which I did.  At the dinner table.  In front of the aforementioned table of Ugly Bachelors.

But.  Of all the GNO experiences I've had, the one that I will never live down, the one that gets brought up every time we go out, the one that runs through my head like a bad melody….the one that will live on in infamy is the Sex Karaoke.

Now wait!  Let me explain.

Like many of the incidents above, I can not fully blame alcohol.  Although there may have been some consumption, my best moments (and I use the term "best" loosely) usually have me more sober than not.

So I'm out with Barbie (and other girlies that I have not yet come up with names for...yet).  This is the bar with the twin Bendy Boy Bartenders.  There is karaoke at this bar.  I love me some karaoke.  Except?  Tragedy!  I can't sing. 

Doesn't stop me from singing but I won't solo.  Hey, I have SOME compassion for others, y'know?

But my girlies and I can not find a song that we all know and feel comfortable with.  They're more country western, I'm more pop/rock.  Kinda like Donny and Marie.  I resign myself to not singing.

Until!  Drunk Girl comes up to me and drunkenly asks me if I want to sing with her!

Well sure!  What could possibly go wrong when singing with Drunk Girl???

So we look over the song list and we pick a song and put in the slip and soon it's time to sing and I'm thinking, "Oooh!  This is gonna be great, how bad can I possibly sound, I've got DRUNK GIRL singing with me, no one is going to notice ME, score!'

The song starts.

Me -  There's things that you guess….
Drunk Girl -   ::silence::
Me - ::puzzled:  …and things that you know
DG -  ::mumbles::
Me – There's boys that you trust
DG - ::slurs::
Me – And girls that you---
DG - ::shouts:  SEX!  I WANT YOUR SEX!!
Me - ::has lost her place::
DG – GIVE IT TO ME!  SEX!  I WANT YOUR SEX!  SEX SEX SEX!!

Me - ::sits down::
DG - ::grabs me, hauls me to my feet::
Me - ::observes Barbie and other girlies laughing hysterically::
Me - ::attempts to tune out all distractions::
Me – I swear I won't tease you or tell you---

DG – IWANTYOURSEX IWANTYOURSEX IWANTYOURSEX SEX SEX SEX!

Karaoke Dude – ::pulls the plug::

So.....yeah.  There went any shot at Hot Bendy Boy Bartender.  But....at least I kept my clothes on this time.


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1 comments:

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